Fascinators

Okay, clue, people: in the States we call them 'cocktail hats' - hence to be worn during the drinks party hours (roughtly 6-8 PM), therefore NOT at Ascot, a wedding (yours or someone else's), a funeral, etc. And they should be complete on their own, not a little tiny hat - e.g. a topper - with netting because that just makes you look an idiot. Also they should not be a crumpet sized bit of stuff with feathers, etc, because that also  makes you look an idiot. Why are you wearing a child's toy on your head? They should be roughly head-sized (think 50s hats that went over the crown) - and may be gaudily trimmed, but DO try to keep the 3 ft feathers to a minimum, darling. Oh, and a splodge of feathers that make you look like a frightened turkey is not better, the Duchess of Cornwall notwithstanding. Just because something is made doesn't mean that it is attractive or in good taste or that one should wear it.

Addendum: It occurs to me that some of the confusion about fascinators is that hair ornaments are often worn in the evening as well. For your evening hair arrangement, take whatever gew-gaws you may have had on your hat or fascinator and stick them on combs, a band or hairpins. Flowers, feathers, beaded or even real jewelled thingies. Well, maybe not all of them. A few. Hair ornaments should not be worn during the day unless you are under five years of age, or a hippie.

Update 21 Apr 11 - My daughter Brigid and I went down to Britex in Union Square in San Francisco (it's actually North of us... is like 'going down to London'?) and when we were on the Trims and Notions floor, she said - with no prompting from me, I assure you - that she 'should make some fascinators'. Now, she's very artistic, with a very good eye. I encouraged her, for I think she could make a bomb (for my non BrE friends, that's a good thing, not an incendiary device.)